I received your letter today when I came home from work, and needless to say, I was a bit surprised. I never knew you had this desire to travel. I suppose the few times you had managed to get outside convinced me you were not the outdoor type. I do have a few questions for you, though, before I give you my blessing.
1. Where are you getting the money for this expedition? It's not like you have a job. Have you been going through my purse when I am not looking? I did notice my credit cards were missing. Are you responsible?
2. How do you plan on going to the bathroom while you're gone? I don't think many other people are going to be willing to scoop your poop. I don't even think people would be willing to give you litter. Have you been training in the bathroom as to how to use a proper toilet?
3. Where do you plan on going? Last time I checked, there were regulations for flying, and I have never known you to enjoy being cooped up in a carrier for long. Are you going to be using the carrier for travel? Who's going to be carting you from place to place? Without a car, this trek could take some serious time, and you've never been one for walking.
4. Are you packing for this? I can't imagine you would be. If you are, you're not taking my luggage for this.
5. Why this sudden urge to travel? Are you not happy here? I can put on the Travel Channel more if you want. I know we only watch that channel for Most Haunted, but certainly, I can put it on when I leave in the morning if you want to explore other places.
6. Do you plan on supplying yourself with your own flea and heartworm treatments? I'm not going to be there to give it to you. I don't even think you can open the caps since you don't have opposable thumbs. I'm sorry, but I'm just keeping it real.
None of the other cats you speak to do this sort of thing. None of them go traveling, and last time I checked, none of them give their owners heartattacks like this. This is worrisome. If you even want a small chance of me saying yes, please answer soon.
On a side note, why do we even have to write letters to one another when we live in the SAME house? Mysteries of life, I suppose...
Marina, aka YOUR OWNER and YOUR MOM
P.S. So help me, one of these days, you'll realize that I'm not your pet!