Dear human pet,
I know that you have been very busy these past few days, but I have reached my breaking point. First, you went to The Work on Wednesday, and I know for a fact that you are supposed to be home by 5:00. Instead, you didn't come home. You went to some place called St. Thomas (I deduced this from the brochure and papers you left out on the kitchen counter.), and you didn't come home until 7:00. When you came home, you didn't even say hello to me. You went into your room, changed your fur, and then walked out of the house again to be with the future mate. I know you do not do The Work in the evening so where did you go with him?
Yesterday, you woke up super early to do The Work, and once again, I thought you would be home by 5:00. You didn't come back, however, until nearly 6:00, but you ran into the house, changed the fur, and ran back out again to leave again. What is going on with you? You didn't come home until nearly 9:30! Once again, I know it's not The Work, so where do you go? Don't you think the very least you could do is tell me where you are going and when I could expect to have you back?
I have needs too, and I think you are forgetting that they are more important than your needs. I need water, food, and a clean litter box. I need tummy rubs and headbutts. I need scratching behind the ear. I need to play with the Cat Charmer (which by the way I ripped and bit to shreds because I was so mad with you!) so you need to buy a new one. I need a good cardboard box so I can destroy it.
I think you have an avoidance issue, and we need to do something about it immediately. I cannot be left to my own instincts. (If left to my own devices, do you honestly think you would come home and find Isis alive?) After all, why do you think I have a human pet? You are supposed to take care of me and my needs. I am tired of waiting for you to come home, or for you to do your work (for me) around the house, or for you to bring me home a beautiful Bengal female.
Hopefully, after having read this letter, your behavior will change. If not, I will be forced to drastic measures: peeing on your clothes, ripping your comforter, and clawing at your precious baseboards. Don't think I won't do it either. You need to learn a lesson here.
With tough love,