The Zeus Excuse

Pumpkin Activity 2

2010-10-27T07:26:00.000-05:00

Beach Pumpkin

2010-10-18T18:00:00.003-05:00

Buggy Adventures

2010-10-07T15:54:00.000-05:00

One fan's interpretation of what we've been up to for the past few weeks...

Pup My Ride Rocks!

2010-09-13T05:53:00.003-05:00

Livin' the life in Utah!
[Photo via Endless Tours]

Pup My Ride, run by Best Friends Animal Society, may just be one of those best kept secrets of the West Coast. Some 3,500 small breed dogs have been saved from Los Angeles kill shelters thanks to the program. Read more here!

Happy Birthday, Human Pet!

2010-09-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

We'd like to wish our human pet a very happy birthday today. Without her, we'd have a hard time bringing all of this somewhat interesting stuff to you.

We're celebrating by NOT doing the following:

Leaving hair on her comforter
Peeing on the carpet
Pooing in the master bathroom
Eating strange things off of the floor
Tripping her up in the hallway
Fighting with one another
Bitching for food
Walking on the keyboard
Tearing open the garbage
Clawing at her shoes

Have a great day, human pet! You deserve it!

Celebrity Pet Hotel Opening Soon to Los Angeles

2010-09-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

[Photo via The Barkley]

No humans allowed!

At least that's what the marquee should read at The Barkley's latest opening. The hotel, which started in Orange Village, Ohio (which is really just Cleveland with a fancy name), has quickly become a nationally recognized leader in luxury pet lodging.

The latest branch, scheduled to open on October 25 in Los Angeles, is designed with only A-list celebrity pets in mind. Rumor has it that posh pets will have their paws immortalized in a set-up akin to the Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

If you're anything like us, then we suspect you might need something a little bit more down to earth. No worries! You can search hundreds of US lodgings to find places where pets are welcome.

Is Your Cat Obese? Figure Out His FBMI!

2010-09-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

Back away from the beer and get off the couch, dude!
[Photo from The Daily Tail]

Just like humans, cats have their own body mass index. It's called feline body mass index, and it's relatively easy to calculate according to Embrace Pet Insurance:

Gathering Information:

While your cat is in a standing position, with the legs perpendicular to the ground and the head upright:

Measure the circumference of your cat’s rib cage. (The level of the 9th rib is ideal.)
Now measure the length of the lower back leg from the knee to the ankle and write down both numbers. You'll need them for what's next!

Calculating the FBMI

Divide the rib cage measurement by 0.7062 and subtract the length of the leg.
Divide that answer by 0.9156.
Subtract the leg length from that number, and that is your cat’s FBMI.

Post your cat's FBMI below, and let's compare!

Lampanelli Gets Herself a Small Dog

2010-09-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

Does this mean you're a douchebag now, Lisa?
Lisa Lampanelli and Parker
[Photo from PEOPLEPets]

Lisa Lampanelli may be losing her tough girl attitude thanks to her recent adoption of a rescue Yorkie. Lampanelli, a first time pet owner, named the pup, Parker, after Sarah Jessica Parker. The comedienne claims she used to joke about people with small pets:

"We had a joke, 'You may be a douchebag if your dog doesn't come up to your knee' "

All douchebags aside, the pup was adopted thanks to A Cause for Paws. Thanks for giving the little ones a chance, Lisa!

Pets Dressed Up as Famous People

2010-09-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Yoda and Audrey Hepburn
[Photo from This Blog Rules]

Ever wondered what your pet may look like if he dressed up as Dr. Spock or Michael Jackson? Wonder no more! Check out this somewhat hilarious display of pets dressed up as famous people at This Blog Rules.

Dancing Merengue Dog

2010-09-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

Meet Carrie and her owner, Jose Fuentes. They're a dancing duo from Chile, and I think they're fantastic! Wouldn't it be great if they made it on Dancing With the Stars? Let's make it happen, my little furries!

Send DWTS a message on their Facebook page telling them you want to see Carrie and Jose live!

Cat Shot 30 Times Is Well, Looking for Adoption

2010-09-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

Lovey's X-ray revealing her 30 pellet wounds
[Photo from St. Petersburg Times]

Officials report that Lovey, 5 year-old black cat that had been shot 30 times with a pellet gun and left to die in Tampa's McKay Bay last week, is doing well and looking to be adopted. The suspects are believed to be juvenilles which worries officials as research has shown that young people who commit acts of violence against animals often develop more aggressive tendencies against humans into adulthood.

Hillsborough County Animal Services is currently investigating. If you have any information, you are urged to call 813-774-5660. The Humane Society of Tampa Bay is also offering a $2000 reward for any information leading to the arrest of those responsible.

Live Tiger Cub Found in Suitcase - Unbelievable!

2010-09-07T19:39:00.004-05:00

You deserve first class, not low class!
[Photo from National Geographic]

Are we the only ones shocked about this live tiger cub found in a suitcase at a Thai airport? We hope our human pet doesn't get any ideas about us!

Soup Kitchen for Pets

2010-09-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

Don't worry. Ares isn't going hungry.
[Photo from Guideposts]

In these hard times, it's nice to know that there are some people willing to do whatever it takes to keep families together, including those with pets. In Germany, Claudia Hollm became so upset that people were having to give up their pets for adoption that she decided to open up her own soup kitchen for pets.

The organization named Tiertafel (meaning "animal table") is Berlin's first soup kitchen for animals, and its success depends entirely on donations and volunteers. In 2008, Hollm told Reuters:

“Nowadays people underestimate dogs. They are incredibly important for those who lack social contact with other humans. Making sure dogs don’t go hungry is just as important as making sure that people don’t starve.”

Pint-Sized Pool Shark...Err Chihuahua

2010-09-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

Amadeus the Chihuahua has got some skills! According to PEOPLEPets.com, Amadeus learned how to play pool after being continuously praised by his owner, Connie Baldwin. All it took were a few words of encouragement ("Go get the ball" to be exact),and the pint-sized pool shark began traveling down the road of hustling hearts.

Talk about the power of positive reinforcement!

Sirius Republic Collars Giveaway

2010-09-07T05:47:00.005-05:00

[Photo via I Love Dogs]

Pawcurious is hosting a giveaway where you can win a Sirius Republic Collar for your little furry. There are two ways to enter, both of which take five seconds. All you have to do is the following:

1. Go to the website, peruse the collection, and leave a comment on Pawcurious' post saying which collar you would like to have.

2. Become a Facebook fan here. You still need to leave a comment here so the people at Pawcurious make sure you get your extra entry!

Entries close on September 11 so get on it, my little furries!

Kristin Bauer Fights for Chimpanzees

2010-09-07T00:00:00.001-05:00

Bauer bares her fangs for chimpanzees
[Photo from MamaPop]

PEOPLEPets.com is reporting that Kristin Bauer, best known for her role as Pam on HBO's True Blood, has been writing letters to the National Institute of Health to protest the transfer of 200 chimpanzees from New Mexico to a Texas research facility. The NIH, however, has responded that the animals are critical to advances in human health.

If the plan for transfer goes through, the chimpanzees will be relocated some time in 2011. For now, Congress continues to debate whether legislation is needed to shut down federal chimpanzee testing for good.

To My Tweets...err Peeps

2010-09-06T19:56:00.004-05:00

I'd like to extend a shout-out to petsforlifeeh and smithynews for sharing our articles on Twitter. I appreciate the tweets! Keep it coming, my little furries!

Cat Slides Down Stairs

2010-09-06T17:00:00.000-05:00

As I have no stairs in my house, I was fascinated by this video. Do your little furries do this on the stairs in your house? Let me know below!

Pets Now on Staff for Hotels

2010-09-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

Chance, the Chocolate Labrador, Dog Director of Operations at Paws Up
[Photo from MSNBC]

According to Conde Nast Traveler Magazine, pets are now on the payroll for some hotels in America. Though these pets may be treated with celebrity status, they have a serious job to do - improving guest relations by providing fantastic customer service. Below are a few places you could visit to meet these canine and feline (and avian!) maître d’s:

Resort at Paws Up in Greenough, Montana: Meet Chance, the Chocolate Labrador, Dog Director of Operations
The Algonquin Hotel in New York City: You can hang out with Matilda, the 15 year-old Ragdoll kitty whose popularity has reached superstar status.
Firesky in Scottsdale, Arizona: Bosco, the Cocker Spaniel, who was a frequent guest to the hotel, is now Director of Pet Relations.
The Fairmont Copley Plaza in Boston: Catie Copley, the Labrador Retriever, has her paws full entertaining guests in this 383-room hotel.
JW Marriot Desert Springs Resort in Palm Desert, California: You can spend some time on the wild side with Thelma and Louise, a pair of Guyana toucanets.
Hotel Indigo Midtown in Atlanta, Georgia: Indie, the Jack Russell Terrier, is the general manager's trusted sidekick.
The London West Hollywood Hotel in West Hollywood, California: Garbanzo, the English Bulldog, greets guests with the bellmen on Fridays.
The Guanahani Resort and Spa on St. Barths: Papyrus, the Fat Cat, and his entourage of fourteen felines have free reign in this Caribbean paradise.
Keswick Hall in Charlottesville, Virginia: Wendy, the Border Collie, is the official duck and goose re-locator on your hunts.

Beach Dogs!

2010-09-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one hearing Chariots of Fire?
[Photo via Doggie Stylish]

With summer coming to a close, The Doggie Stylish Blog has put together a fabulous photo display showcasing dogs on the beach. Click here to see all twenty photos!

Menswear Mouse Toys

2010-09-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

[Photo from MarthaStewart.com]

I'm not the least bit surprised that Martha Stewart has figured out a way to make delightful menswear mouse toys. Stewart offers step-by-step instructions complete with photos so you'll have no problem with this craft project. The only question now is whether or not they can withstand my claws!

Small Zoo at Kirstie Alley's House

2010-09-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

Lose the lemurs already!
[Photo from 2MuchReality]

Kirstie Alley's house is "a small zoo", reports The National Enquirer. Some readers may be familiar with just how many animals are at the actress' home thanks to her reality show, Kirstie Alley's Big Life. According to The NE's insider:

"Kirstie treats the lemurs as if they were her children. She's even written them into her will, and she pampers them to no end. Adding up the cost of their keepers and their organic diet, caring for them cost Kirstie $40,000 last year!"

Maybe her next stint could be an episode on Animal Planet's Animal Hoarders.

Canines and Felines Crazy for Peanut Butter!

2010-09-05T10:00:00.004-05:00

Just how sanitary is sharing a peanut butter-laden spoon? Step away from the Jiff, my little furries!

Perry Purrs

2010-09-05T00:00:00.002-05:00

[Photo from TopNews]

Katy Perry will be launching her feline-themed fragrance named Purr in November. The perfume, rumored to smell of apples, peaches, and bamboo, will come in a cat-shaped bottle complete with bejeweled eyes. When it came to naming her fragrance, Perry apparently found inspiration with phonemes:

"I'm a very lyrical-based person, and the whole 'purr' thing kept coming back - the sound is in perfume, perfect, even Perry if you say it a certain way."

My own perfume line will be coming this spring. It's called Zoo. It will ~~reek~~ remind you of the ~~choking~~ savory scent of ~~liter dust~~ maple wood chips and ~~rotten~~ fresh bananas.

Dickinson shows some love for poor puppy

2010-09-04T12:00:00.001-05:00

Janice Dickinson shows her love for this bulldog puppy
[Photo from Daily Mail]

On Thursday, September 2, Janice Dickinson was spotted loving on various animals in a local pet store in Sherman Oaks, California. Unfortunately for this poor sap (above), she chose him to smooch and cuddle.

Run away, bulldog puppy! Don't kiss the lips that Botox made!

Giving Pets Up for Adoption On the Rise

2010-09-04T00:00:00.002-05:00

98 Rock and Baltimore Humane Society Biker Pet Contest
[Photo from 98Rock]

According to WJZ out of Baltimore, Maryland, the economy is leading many people to give up their beloved pets for adoption. The Baltimore Humane Society stated that many of their animals are double to triple bunking. The situation has gotten so bad that the BHS is even offering a two for one special - adopt two cats for the price of one.

Obviously, an organization that hosts biker contests is too awesome to be ignored! You can help the BHS by donating or spreading the word.

Looking for a new pet and in the Baltimore area? A complete listing of the animals available for adoption at the BHS can be found here.

Bears in Cleveland...Among Other Things

2010-09-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

[Photo from WZAKCleveland]

If you're considering something a bit more exotic for your next pet, you might just pack up and move to Ohio. According to a new article by FOXNews, Ohio is one of five states with weak restrictions on ownership of exotic animals.

Of course, that probably explains how Sam Mazzola was allowed to harbor bears, wolves, and tigers on his compound in...I'm sorry, I have to pause when I say this...CLEVELAND...and how one of those bears managed to kill 24 year-old Brent Kandra, a caretaker on the property.

Ohio's latest ballot measure proposes that existing non-native animals, like the ones Mazzola continues to keep, but owners would not be able to breed them or replace them when they die.

Note to self: I won't be traveling to CLEVELAND any time soon.

Alligators Take Over Chicago!

2010-09-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

World's Largest Snake Found Dead

2010-09-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

Lions and tigers and dyed dogs, oh my!

2010-09-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's really a dog. I promise.
[Photo from Bayou 95.7]

Dog owners in China are now dyeing their dogs to turn them into tigers, pandas, and even turtles. Owners say the pets love their new looks because they receive "tons of love and attention" as a result. Experts claim, however, that the dyes can possibly be fatal to the canines, and regulation is needed as a result.

Note to human pet: I would like to be dyed so I resemble a panther (because I'm worth it...or so I keep hearing from the tv). I have never been quite fond of my golden fur. Besides, black is slimming so this could do wonders for my self-esteem. Please arrange a flight to China stat!

Celeb plastic surgeon dead after tweeting about dog

2010-09-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

[Photo from Vitals]

For once, I'm glad I don't have opposable thumbs. Otherwise, I'd do crazy things like tweet and drive.

It seems Dr. Frank Ryan was doing just then when his car drove right off of a cliff on August 17, 2010. Ryan was tweeting about his border collie, Jill, posting a photo of the dog on the beach. The final tweet came at 4:10. Jill was in the car with Ryan when the accident occurred, but she is alive and well, recovering from her injuries.

Here's wishing Jill a speedy recovery! Get better soon, girl!

Clarkson Bares All For PETA

2010-09-02T00:00:00.001-05:00

Clarkson protesting the Queen's Guards' caps
[Photo from The PETA Files]

Lucy Clarkson, a British model, has joined the ranks of those famous enough to bare it all as part of PETA's Go Naked campaign. To see other stars in all of their glory, check out W.E.N.N.'s Naked for PETA slide show.

An Award for Ares!

2010-09-01T12:00:00.004-05:00

Ares would like to thank fellow Boston Terrier, Mack, for honoring him with this prestigious blog award! We here at The Zeus Excuse are extremely honored! With this award, come some guidelines:

1. Please thank the dog who gave this award to you and link to them.
2. Name 10 (yes 10) things about yourself. Try to be as creative as possible.
3. Pass this special award onto 15 doggie bloggers. It doesn't matter whether they are old or new.
4. Comment on the new receivers of this blog to let them know of the love.
5. And the most important: HAVE FUN!!!

With number one complete, we will move on to 10 things about Ares. Drumroll please!

1. Ares doesn't like to go to the bathroom outside at night.
2. He doesn't like the rain.
3. He always knows when medicine is in his food bowl, and he will eat everything else in the bowl except for that one teeny tiny pebble of medicine.
4. If he had a middle name, it would be Hoover because he is indiscriminate when it comes to cleaning the floor of food nibblets.
5. His favorite toy is a $1.00 squeaky mail box that the human pet picked up at Wal-mart.
6. Ares loves butterflies.
7. He enjoys chasing Isis around the house. Isis, however, does not return the sentiment.
8. Ares makes a face known as "Black Lip the Pirate" when begging for food at dinner time.
9. He snores louder than any human on earth. His farts, though, are quick and to the point.
10. Recently, Ares has taken to posing like a groundhog, sitting on his rear legs and sticking his front paws up into the air. We're thinking of taking him to the circus.

We might not be able to name 15 doggie bloggers so we are passing this award along to the ones we know of and love:

Ayatollah Mugsy of Pug Life Ministries
Dachsies Rule
Lorenza
Hank
Khyra
Lois Lane
Ludo
Ruby
Pedro
Thor
Tom

There Can Be Only One Snookie...and It's Not Her

2010-09-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

[Photo from Bleacher Report]

The infamous Snookie from MTV's Jersey Shore has been trying to have her nickname trademarked, but she has recently run into trouble thanks to a cartoon orange tabby that shares her 'pet name' (pun intended). The name has already been trademarked for an upcoming children's story entitled "The Adventures of Snooky". According to the New York Post, the book is about an orange tabby who happens to fall overboard on a fishing expedition.

Talk about freaky! Not only do the two share the same name, but they happen to be the same color and have an affinity for falling off of objects for no apparent reason.

Got Treats Pet Bandanna Fundraiser

2010-08-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

Check out this cute pet bandanna on Etsy! Twiggy's mom wanted to do something special for her birthday so together, they're throwing a fundraiser. One hundred percent of your purchase will go to the Animal Welfare Society of Southeastern Michigan. Twenty bandannas are left so hurry and get yours today!

Revenge of the Trash Bin Cat

2010-08-31T12:00:00.001-05:00

This could only be better had Lola The Trash Bin Cat done it.

Keanu Surrounded!

2010-08-31T00:00:00.002-05:00

[Photo from Celebrities with Cats]

Apparently, the photo above must be the remake of this famous scene from
The Matrix: Reloaded:

The Matrix Reloaded - Neo Vs. Smith - For more funny videos, click here

Couture Water for Your Pup

2010-08-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

Showing off the goods at The Salty Paw
[Photo from Haute Living]

It's steaming hot outside, and you know your dog needs a walk.

You grab a bottle of water to help cool him down, but the tiny cap just isn't going to cut it for your Great Dane.

Thanks to the people at Pawgua, you don't have to sacrifice your dog's refreshment. On August 18, 2010, the brand held a launch party at The Salty Paw, and the word on the street (literally) is that Pawgua may just be the most dog friendly water around. According to the brand's Facebook page:

"Pawgua - premium purified water in a bottle designed for pets so you can conveniently refresh them anytime, anywhere!”

If you try it out, come back and let us know what you thought!

Michael Jackson & Bubbles: The Untold Story

2010-08-30T00:00:00.001-05:00

[Photo from Go4flicks]

Creepiness took on a whole new level thanks to Animal Planet's documentary, Michael Jackson & Bubbles: The Untold Story. The show, debuting on August 29 (Jackson's birthday), did nothing to help the pop star's image. From queries into implanting vocal chords to psychological analysis regarding Bubbles' feelings, nothing was off limits.

Perhaps the most insightful comment of the evening came when discussing the Bad tour: "Perhaps chimpanzees are not ideal traveling companions."

You don't say? I'm sure this woman could have told us that.

If you'd like to see the craziness for yourself, grab your Osh Kosh overalls and click here to learn more about the show.

How Do Three L's Make You Feel?

2010-08-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

Sonja Morgan on another of her tirades
[Photo from The Real Housewives are Nuts!]

Sonja Morgan, best known for her catfights on Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently adopted a new poodle named Harllee. When asked how she came up with the name, Morgan stated she had a numerologist from Quest magazine help her:

"We went with Harllee [for the new puppy], and the numerologist is still working on the spelling. We’re using the double-l because it makes you feel good and the ‘ee’ because the name has to add up to seven [letters]."

Are you kidding me?! Ms. Morgan, I hardly doubt Harllee gives a shiz as to whether or not her name has two l's or one. I think she'll feel good if you feed her, let her poo outside, and take her for walks, minus the required diva wear one expects from Real Housewives.

Costner Supports Orange Dog

2010-08-28T00:00:00.003-05:00

Costner and his dog, Daisy, on their way to a news conference to support Orange Dog
[Photo from 2Space Network]

Kevin Costner is currently throwing his support behind the Orange Dog organization. The charity saves homeless dogs in overcrowded animal shelters from being euthanized across the U.S. by picking them up and flying them across the border to be re-homed in Canada.

I'm sure this gives Canadian Customs a true case of the "warm and fuzzies" when that long line of canines comes flying into town.

I suppose Patrick Anderson was right when he said Canada was "America's attic".

Hero Dog Has Final Honors

2010-08-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

[Photo from Celebrity News and Gossip]

Drew Barrymore is currently mourning the loss of her beloved Flossie. Flossie was best known for saving Barrymore's life when her home caught fire in 1998. To honor the pooch, the actress spread Flossie's ashes in the Ganges river in India during a recent trip. The Ganges is considered to be a very sacred place by Hindus.

I can only hope that when I die, my human pet honors me with that kind of respect.

For the record, Athens, dear pet. Perhaps the Olympieion, sacred temple to Zeus?

Just a thought...

Woman Caught by CCTV Identified

2010-08-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

A British woman who was caught on CCTV video for throwing a cat into a dumpster has been identified. The RSPCA is planning on interviewing the woman along with the police.

No Dead Dogs Here

2010-08-25T05:53:00.004-05:00

[Photo from Costume Dogs]

With kids going back to school this week, I felt it only right to lend my paw in encouraging the wee little ones with some fascinating reading. Thank goodness, though, From the Mixed Up Files...of Middle-Grade Authors did it for me. Check out the blog's article pertaining to great dog literature for your middle schooler, and don't be surprised when Old Yeller and Where The Red Fern Growns don't make the list. No dead dogs allowed!

One Dog, Two Kittens, and a Beatle

2010-08-23T05:00:00.002-05:00

[Photo from LIFE]

June, 1967: Paul McCartney sitting on the doorstep to his home with his two kittens and an old English sheepdog.

Check out more celebrities and their cats by clicking on the link and viewing LIFE's slide show.

Pet Fashion for Pet Fashionistas

2010-08-22T09:56:00.004-05:00

[Photo taken from Lemondrop]

Check out La La Doggy for upcoming trends in pet fashion. This blog is sponsored by FunnyFur.com, an online shopping website for the pet fashionista. Find out what the latest Miss Kitty, Juicy Couture, and Little Lily wear will be before it hits distributors. Everything from collars to travel bags for your pet is covered so you both can be looking good as you run about town. Best of all, though, is there's even fashion for cats.

Catastrophe with Eyeliner

2010-08-21T08:06:00.002-05:00

Perez Hilton revealed this photo on his blog yesterday, stating someone tweeted the photo to Adam Lambert as a tribute. And here I thought Isis' geisha impersonation was bad...

In Memory of Fat Eric...

2010-08-18T05:38:00.002-05:00

"The Amazing Zeus: Gorgeous Gingers Take on Psychics and Wax", originally posted June 15, 2006

We will miss you, Fat Eric.

Good day to you, feline friends and human pets!

I actually had to start my journey in the evening in order to arrive on-time for my visit with Fat Eric. Phil picked me up very late in the evening, and if you know what the word "tension" means then you can only guess as to what happened at The House.

You see, the human pet was at the dining room table studying when she heard a knock at the door. I, having memorized the sounds of Phil Keoghan's distinctive footsteps, knew it was him so I readily went to the door. The human pet, however, just said, "C'mon in," without so much as looking up.

"Being studious tonight, are we, Marina?"

I turned to see my human pet holding her glass of Diet Coke to her lips while white spread throughout her face. I thought she had become a statue, but she didn't do anything for the longest time. After what seemed like forever, she said, "I know this Steelers shirt and purple track shorts don't match, and I'm sorry."

"Umm, I don't care, Marina. I'm just here to pick up Zeus. We'll be out of your way in no time," said Phil. Phil and I exchanged a knowing look concerning my human pet: she's slightly "off" in terms of her behavior when he's around.

Phil took me to the airport, but I sure do wish now that he had stayed with me for the extremely long flight! Traveling in an airplane in the dark can be very scary, especially if you have never done it. I know because it was my first time! Looking out the window and seeing nothing but blackness underneath you can be extremely disconcerting.

When I landed, the scene was nothing but hustle and bustle! It was amazing to me to find many similarities to America, but there were also some interesting differences. English homo sapiens do not speak the same way as Mericky humans do. They have different words and sayings that I did not know so I had to pick up NTC's Super-Mini British Slang Dictionary. I must say that was very helpful!

For example, I was looking for a taxi. I kept meowing, "Taxi! Taxi!" but not one cab pulled over. I scanned through my new book, and lo and behold, there was a completely different way of asking for a taxi! With my new information, I held my paw and said loudly, "Joe Baxi! Joe Baxi!" and surprisingly, for once, I managed to get a taxi all on my own! Take that, production crew!

I managed to get the taxi or 'Joe Baxi' to drop me off at Liverpool Street Station just as Fat Eric had directed me. Once on my ride, being in a train was simply breathtaking! I kept trying to turn my head to see what was to my left but then it was gone by the time I got to my right. Everything just moves so quickly! It's very different than a car or airplane to be certain.

When it was time for my stop, I got off and looked around, but it didn't take me long to know which house was Fat Eric's. After all, I knew his human pet had terrific gardening skills so I looked for the most English of English gardens. I spotted it in no time flat!

I walked up to the house, knocked with a few headbutts, and sure enough, a nice lady met me at the door with shouting:

"Blimey! It's Zeus!" She turned her head away from the door towards the inside. "Fat Eric! It's your friend, Zeus! Come quick so the two of you can chin wag before that Phil bloke comes along."

I meowed, purred, and rubbed along the human lady pet's legs to let her know how grateful I was for having me over, but I still couldn't help wondering what I was supposed to be doing with Fat Eric when we met. Chin wag? Phil is broke? Blimey? What does it all mean?

"Yeh ol' septic kitty, you!"

Now I'm a septic tank? Is he saying I stink? Goodness!

I turned to see Fat Eric chuckling at my expressions. I thought this was where I was supposed to wag my chin at him in a form of English standard greeting so I wagged with all my might back and forth while the girthy tabby shook with howls of laughter.

"Oh Zeus, don't be daft! She means we're going to talk! What do you Mericky kitties say? 'Chit-chat'?"

"Oh!" And with red blushing through my cheeks, I stopped shaking my chin back and forth like a fool. "So you're not saying then that I'm a stinky kitty?"

"Crikey, no! That's just some Cockney rhyming slang for Mericky peoples."

"That's a relief!" I replied with a sigh.

There was a rap at the door, and we both turned our heads in the sound's direction.

"That Phil is a prompt lad. He's all business, he is," said Eric.

Eric's human lady pet answered the door, and somehow, Phil had managed to make it across the seas without me! I was shocked!

"Fat Eric. Zeus. You have 165 pounds for this leg of the race. Make sure to read your clue carefully, and be safe on your travels."

"Excuse me, Phil?" I piped up quietly.

Phil raised one eyebrow inquisitvely, and his tone was completely host-like: "Yes Zeus?"

"I don't really think Fat Eric nor myself appreciate your implication of our weighing 165 lbs. We don't really weigh that much together, and even if we did, it's not polite to point that out to people or felines."

Phil almost smiled as he said, "Zeus, they use pounds in England. It's their currency. They don't use dollars."

"Nice try, Phil," I said.

"No really, he's spot-on, Zeus," stated Eric.

"Goodness," I muttered as I lowered my head.

Phil left soon after, and Eric and I opened our clue together:

Make your way to Piccadilly Circus. There you will find your next clue.

"Why is he going to send us there? I thought you said there's no clowns!" I said.

"Well, I think he knows it might be a challenge for us to find the clue. It's pretty busy there," replied Eric.

We actually decided we would go back to pick up the train and head back to the Liverpool Street Station. Once we got off there, we hopped onto the roof of a double-decker bus, and it is here that I might add it was a bit more difficult for us to get to the top due to not one, but two floors! I really thought I had seen it all, but apparently, I hadn't! And do you know they actually have people on the second floor? I don't know how humans come up with these things!

When we arrived at Piccadilly Circus, I understood what Eric had been saying. The whole place was overflowing with activity! Sights, sounds, movement! It was completely overwhelming at first, but we looked for the clue with a sheer tenacity that was unmatched. However, I must admit that I was a bit in awe of the bronze statue of an archer in the center of the intersection. Eric told me the statue's name was Eros, and I thought that was a very strange name indeed.

We found the clue (Not surprisingly, we had been walking around it, but so many humans were in our way!), but when we went to open it, I heard this a strange man's voice say,

"Are you Zeus by chance?"

I turned around and saw this older gentleman looking down at me with the most curious expression on his face.

"You must be Zeus."

I knew he was saying something, but his lips weren't moving so I was a bit confused. I played along and thought back, "Do you have something to say to me?"

"Your weblog will be very popular. When I stepped into your atmosphere, I could tell immediately as you're surrounded by positive energy."

My atmosphere? Strong positive energy? I'd heard that somewhere before...with the human pet...hmmm...

"Oh my goodness! Eric! It's Derek Acorah! My human pet is going to be SO JEALOUS!" I shouted.

"Luvvly-jubbly!" exclaimed Eric.

Before I could get my next question out, Derek said, "Of course, Zeus. You can have a picture with me. You can even have your friend, Eric, in it too."

I hadn't even asked, and he knew what I was thinking!

"How did you know I wanted a picture?" I asked curiously.

"Sam told me," he replied. Eric and I couldn't figure out who this Sam guy was because it was just the three of us talking, but we let it slide.

After taking a picture with Derek, Eric and I decided to read our next clue:

Make your way to Big Ben. Once there, search for your next clue.

"Is this some person we have to meet?" I asked Eric.

"Oh goodness no! That's the most famous Clock Tower in all of London, but really, Big Ben is the name of the bell inside of the Clock Tower and not the Clock Tower itself. Not too many Merickans know that. C'mon! I know where it is," answered Eric.

I followed Eric as we made our way to what he called the tube. I hadn't known there were trains that went underground and connected parts of the city together. Eric even told me that here in America we call them subways. It was really pretty cool.

We got off at Westminster, and there in front of us, was the amazing sight of Big Ben...or I suppose the Clock Tower with Big Ben. It was pretty remarkable. I'm sure other people might think it is just a clock, but I think it's pretty neat to see what homo sapiens can do with their time when they're not sleeping or eating.

We found the clue shortly thereafter. (To me, it seemed they were rather conveniently placed!) It said:

Make your way to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, London.

"Have you ever been there, Eric?" I asked.
"Not at all. Have you ever been to something that sounds like that in Mericky?" asked Eric.

I started to say, "No, but I did go to that haunted house with Oreo..."

"You don't think it will be like that, do you?!" Eric seemed very frightened suddenly.

"It's wax. That's from candles. Maybe it's just some fancy schmancy candle museum. How bad can it be?" I said.

We went back to the tube and this time, we got off at the Baker Street underground station. We walked for a little bit along Marylebone Road, and there it was: The museum in all of its glory. When Eric and I walked inside, we both were shocked as there were no candles in there as we had anticipated. There were homo sapiens standing there that looked like real homo sapiens, but they were actually...and you're not going to believe this...made of wax! It was completely bizarre!

"I think the Queen is lookin` at me!" said Eric as he stared at statues of the Royal Family.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say it was her," I said. The eyes on these fake homo sapiens really creeped me out!

"Maybe we should bow just in case it is her. You know...just to be on the safe side and all," said Eric.

I agreed. We both bowed down to the Royal Family just in case it turned out later it was them. I didn't want to be accused of not adhering to traditions in a foreign country!

"I don't know about you, but this is really weird," I said.

Eric nodded. "I think it's time we go home. It's been a long day, don't you think?"

I did. We hobbled our tired paws back to Baker Station and rode the tube back to Liverpool Street Station. Though we were exhausted, we walked slowly up to Eric's house where his lovely human lady pet was waiting:

"I was wondering when you boys would be back. It's time to take Zeus to the airport. He has a very long ride back to Mericky, you know!"

Ah, I shall miss London. It was thrilling to be in another country filled with strange sights and sounds with lots of exciting things to do. Thank you so much Fat Eric for letting me come visit with you, and thank you to your human lady pet for being such a great sport! I hope sometime you can come visit me in Houston, Texas, but I think you will need to shave first before you get here. It's just too hot!

Wrap your mind around this...

2010-08-16T05:59:00.003-05:00

Photo from Dark Roasted Blend

Is this Jean-Luc Cornec's idea of the perfect phone call? Hmm...

Cat Dominates Bear

2010-08-12T20:01:00.001-05:00

I can't be the only one astounded by this feline's ability to thwart a bear!

ZEUS

Gimme Chicken McNuggets!

2010-08-11T11:16:00.003-05:00

My human pet hasn't been feeding me the "right" food for over a month now. I haven't resorted to smacking her across the face or throwing blunt objects at her to show my disapproval. I've been rather civilized about it, reminding her that I have particular tastes each and every time dinner rolls around in the evening. So to see this woman lose it over some McDonald's Chicken McNuggets makes me wonder who exactly is the superior species.

ZEUS

We have incoming!

2010-08-05T08:18:00.004-05:00

The pet is feeling rather sick this morning. I'm concerned only because...

ANOTHER BROTHER IS COMING TO VISIT TONIGHT!

How many pups were in my pet's human litter?! Sheesh!

Look at the chops on that kid! He's furrier than I had expected.

This house is about to bust at the seams. Suggestions on survival, anyone?

ZEUS

I need suggestions for back-to-school shopping

2010-08-03T12:26:00.006-05:00

Photo from Thriftknack.com

I want to make sure my pet is back-to-school ready, but every year, I have a hard time deciding what to buy for her. Sure, I will need to get her pens, pencils, erasers, etc., but what should I splurge on to make sure she has a fantastic school year? List your suggestions below!

And just keep in mind that my pet is already incredibly geeky, so try not to suggest anything that'll get her beat up on the playground.

ZEUS

Stephen's Empire

2010-08-01T11:44:00.004-05:00

Believe it or not, I'm actually a HUGE fan of the literary homo sapien genius, Stephen King. There's nothing more satisfying that reading of dogs who can't help themselves, wives who kill their husbands during lunar eclipses, and more recently, cell phones that lead to infected zombies. Consider my happiness, then, when I discovered that we could actually help Mr. King with his next project!

Mr. King is looking to build a virtual empire, and he needs our help. He is looking for photos that capture the essence of his novels. The trick, however, is that you need to accompany your photo with a clever caption. He has plenty of example photos for you to browse. Visit Stephen's Empire to learn more and make a submission!

ZEUS

A break has finally come!

2010-07-27T12:09:00.002-05:00

So you might be wondering why the posts have been lacking as of late. Then again, maybe you have drifted off to some new and more exciting blog. I wouldn't blame you. Regardless, it has been absolute mayhem for the past three weeks as the pet has been entirely devoted to the (Prepare yourself for a mouthful!) Rice Education Entrepreneurship Program Summer Institute.

Those caps mean it's serious.

She woke up at 5:30 every day, drove for one hour to Rice University, sat in classes from 8:30-5:30, drove for one hour more back home, and then proceeded to do her homework until midnight. Wash, rinse, repeat for three weeks.

Needless to say, in taking care of her, I haven't had much time to do anything else.

ZEUS

Don't Stop Believin': An exploration into what it takes for a cat to type

2010-07-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

To answer dear Sarah's curious statement, the road to typing was a long and arduous one for me. I already had the distinct disadvantage of losing one of my digits thanks to evolution. I had to modify the way I interacted with the keyboard which meant I needed to know what I was up against. Therefore, I practiced first on my Playstation 2.

Playing with the various games gave me a better sense of control and helped me gain flexibility in my four remaining digits. The entertaining visual display provided me with constant feedback in how I was performing. Hence, I learned how to manage the buttons quickly.

After that, it was merely a matter of generalizing my skills to the keyboard. Occasionally, I do have a bit of trouble, especially when it comes to capitalization. It took me lots of practice to go from this:

FR#JKFF$^**&^&KL

To this:

For the love of all that's holy!

It takes effort to hold the shift key and then press a letter. Hell, it takes a lot of effort to even hold myself upright to type this post. I sure hope my readers appreciate everything I go through. This shit doesn't come easy!

ZEUS

The pet hits the air waves

2010-07-15T00:00:00.001-05:00

On Monday, the human pet was interviewed by a local NPR radio station here in Houston concerning her thoughts and opinions on the Rice Education Entrepreneurship Program. She didn't think her comments would make the air, but guess what? They did!

You can hear the pet speak by visiting Bringing Business Leadership to the Classroom.

WOW! Women On Writing Blog Interviews Human Pet

2010-07-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

The Muffin, the daily blog for WOW! Women on Writing, featured the pet in an interview for being runner up in the Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Contest. Check it out!

WOW! Women On Writing Blog: Marina Sabatini--Runner Up Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Contest

All Aboard The Ares Anal Express!

2010-07-13T21:40:00.003-05:00

The pet came home to find Ares had an open wound on his butt. She freaked out (shocking, I know...) and rushed to the emergency clinic. Turns out Ares can't "express" himself properly. He has an infected anal gland. The best part, however, is...

He has to wear this beautiful collar! BWHAHAHAHAHAH!

Hmm... Maybe he likes it? Dammit!

ZEUS

We're making progress...

2010-07-11T22:15:00.002-05:00

The guest bathroom is now 97% finished. The only thing left for the pet is replacing the electrical outlets and plates.

Here's a closer look at the new vanity and counter top.

Behold! I bring you color!

2010-07-07T20:05:00.004-05:00

Color is now up on the walls. Let me know what you think!

Seagull Beach in the guest bedroom.
It's a sandy color, though at dusk, it appears as a light mauve.

Nautical in the guest bathroom. It's got quite the "pop"!

ZEUS

Watch out!

2010-07-05T22:24:00.004-05:00

With all of the renovations happening around here, it's not a pleasant place for kitties or puppies. Watch your step, or you could find yourself covered in wallpaper scraps!

Happy Fourth of July

2010-07-04T09:27:00.002-05:00

The Last M. Night Shyamalan Movie I Will Ever Pay Money To See

2010-07-03T10:31:00.003-05:00

[Image from claudia|gina|jung]

Dear readers,

If at any point in your lives you thought M. Night Shyamalan was a good writer, director, or producer, I am here to inform you that you must let that delusion go. His latest work, The Last Airbender, couldn't have been more disastrous unless some Earth Bender had taken a great poo in a litter box, 'bent' the poo, and sent it flying at some Fire Bender for an attack.

Hell, I might have been more interested had that happened.

With characters stating what they're doing as they're doing it or reminding us of information we already know, Shyamalan has effectively held up his "You're an idiot" sign to the audience for all to see. I actually counted how many times Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation told the audience, "I cannot go home without [The Avatar]." Literally, I lost count at 12.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the casting is horrific. Explain to me how a Caucasian family came to live in the Southern Water Tribe with Inuit people. Better yet, explain to me how they get to be the heroes in this melodrama while all of the Asian-Americans in this film are cast as villains. When asked to explain his casting, Shyamalan stated he wanted something "multicultural". Well, there's wanting diversity and actually STICKING TO THE ORIGINAL STORYLINE WHICH WORKED WITH ASIAN AND NATIVE-AMERICAN CHARACTERS AS HEROES!

I'm begging, homo sapiens. Don't see this film. You will never get those two hours back. Instead, use them this weekend to take a nap. It's a much better investment of your time.

ZEUS

Incoming fireworks

2010-07-02T10:38:00.005-05:00

[Image from Life123]

While others may be enjoying the holiday festivities, this house is not. The roots have been banished from the main line running underneath the house as of last Saturday. As a result, it's time to remodel both rooms. The pet had a contractor come by on Wednesday, and they agreed to cut costs by having the pet do the prep work.

My 4th of July is looking promising in regards to fireworks. I am getting ready to observe the pet in action as she attempts to remove wallpaper from the guest bathroom and bedroom. This ought to be interesting.

I give her fifteen minutes until she breaks down and cries.

ZEUS

Hurricane Preparations for Pets

2010-06-30T07:58:00.006-05:00

According to Pop Art Pet Unleashed, as many as 104,000 pets were left behind after Hurricane Katrina. Only 15,000 were rescued. With Tropical Storm Alex approaching the southern Texas coast, it's as good a time as any to review over how to make disaster preparations for the furry ones in your house.

Houston Humane Society blindsided by burglary

2010-06-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

Are we really reaching the point in the recession where humans steal from animals now?

Thieves steal thousands of dollars worth of vital equipment from Houston Humane Society

Consider making a donation to the Houston Humane Society by sending a check or money order to the address below:

Houston Humane Society
P.O. Box 450528
Houston, TX 77245

You can also donate online by following this link.

Something smells, and it's not me.

2010-06-27T11:53:00.002-05:00

Have you been smelling something funky coming out of your pet's pantry? Is your pet's breakfast beginning to remind you of your litter box? Is the word 'Kellogg's' making you spontaneously spit hairballs?

If so, check out this great article to discover what the bar code numbers really mean in the Kellogg's recall. Other factors of course help determine if you need to send your pet's cereal back so you'll need to check this list as well. If all else fails, you can just take that cereal and feed it to your psycho sister as it'll probably have no effect on her, considering she's already missing some frontal lobe functioning.

What's that? You don't have a sister? You can improvise.

ZEUS

Ares Attacks!

2010-06-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'll give you a topic: The chick pea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss!

2010-06-22T07:19:00.004-05:00

This morning, I was met by my monthly urge, namely the urge to search for myself on Google to see what I would find. Well, readers, I assure you - I wasn't disappointed.

A hopping discussion forum named The Daily Kitten decided to chat about ME! Apparently, my 'family photo' ala The A-Team piqued the whiskers of some rather frisky felines. I can't blame them really. Having me as Face is, dare I say, purrfection.

(Yes, I went for a cheap pun. Don't judge.)

So thank you, visitors of The Daily Kitten, and by all means, keep discussing feline topics galore, but more importantly, keep discussing me!

ZEUS

Father hater

2010-06-20T11:38:00.003-05:00

I'll never know your name,
and I'll never care to know,
You used my momma,
and then you ran off to go.

Our momma couldn't care
for us so we had to leave.
Off to an orphanage at PetSmart -
A new start, I had to believe.

Here I am now,
nine years later,
No thanks to you,
you kitten hater.

I'm glad I'm fixed
so I don't have to worry,
that I'll be like you
and use females in a hurry.

So should we ever meet,
in the yard or in the street,
You go your way, and I'll go mine,
And both of us will be just fine.

ZEUS

A new look

2010-06-19T08:56:00.001-05:00

So after four years, the blog has been updated. If you have any suggestions on how to improve the layout or constructive critiques on the new look, feel free to post them below. Thanks!

ZEUS

Training day...minus Ethan Hawke (damn!)

2010-06-16T18:55:00.004-05:00

Dear Zeus, Isis, and Ares,

I'm having a rather good time at my training! Would you believe I met someone who lives right down the road from us? Strange, huh? I guess I had to travel pretty far to meet the neighbors!

The view from my hotel room

Region X - the location for my training

Plenty of coffee to keep you going

Slides for the win!

I'll be home tomorrow so hopefully, you haven't gotten into too much trouble.

Marina
a.k.a. The Human Pet

On the road again

2010-06-15T07:20:00.007-05:00

Dear Zeus, Isis, and Ares,

Just to let you know that you're in my thoughts as I am away, I thought I would send you some photos of my trip thus far.

Sam Houston in all of his glory

The Texas Prison Museum...only in Texas!

Could you imagine saying, "I'm from Angus!" or "I'm from Mustang!"?

Coming into Dallas

Looks like I'm going to run right into it, huh?

Well, that's all for now. I'm off to learn new and exciting things! I miss all of you. Try to be good for my brother.

Marina
a.k.a. The Human Pet

I pity the fool that gets this A-team

2010-06-14T14:16:00.000-05:00

All by myself...don't wanna be...all by myself

2010-06-14T13:58:00.002-05:00

Pray for me, friends.

The pet is off to an out-of-town conference for a few days, and I will be left alone with the pet's brother. I can only hope that my intimate knowledge of the house will save me from whatever he may have in store for me. If I can last till Thursday evening, all will be well.

Cat #2 (Isis' new name) will have no trouble, and as for Ares, he's on his own. Tough luck, sucker!

ZEUS

She's all mine!

2010-06-07T07:48:00.005-05:00

If I had any fear that my pet was going to leave me this summer for untold adventure, all fear subsided rather quickly when I saw the amount of reading she had to do before July 6. You see, dear reader, she's participating in the Rice Education Entrepreneurship Program at Rice University, and as such, she must attend a summer institute which is held throughout the month of July. To give you an idea of just how sure I am that I have her all to myself, I took pictures of her assigned readings:

Three inch binder complete with over 500+ readings, including research journal articles, business case studies, and national reports

Three books totaling 600+ pages

Oh, and did I mention that she didn't receive two more books which she has to pick up later this week?

Yes, my pet...I have you all to myself for the summer. Muwahahaha!

ZEUS

Incoming panic attack

2010-06-04T06:30:00.003-05:00

(Dialing voice mail)

You have three new messages. First new message from 555-0839. Received at 5:10 pm:

"Ohmygod, Marina, you need to call me. Call me right away! I don't know what's wrong with your dog. He puked, and he has a string hanging from his mouth. Call me please!"

Next new message from 555-0839. Received at 5:18 pm:

"Ok, look. I played with your dog all day doing the fetch thing, and then I went to the bathroom. When I came back, your dog had puked, and I guess the string thing wasn't really a string but just some stringy puke. I cleaned everything up, but I don't know if he's ok. Please call me back."

Next new message from 555-0839. Received at 5:25 pm:

"Alright, so everything's fine now. He's jumping around. I guess he got scared when I screamed, 'Holy [expletive], Dog!' I guess he's kinda sensitive, huh? Anyhow, it's fine now so don't worry. Bye."

You have no more messages. Main menu.

Renamed

2010-06-02T06:54:00.003-05:00

Thanks to the pet's brother, we all have new names.

I am Garfield.

Ares is simply called Dog.

And Isis is called Cat.

I'd like to think that I stand out from my brother and sister as being the exceptional one, the one worthy enough to have a name and not some generic common noun thrown upon me. Clearly, the pet's brother has enough sense to notice that. I do, after all, have my own blog.

ZEUS

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chANGES!

2010-05-27T07:52:00.003-05:00

So Bob didn't end up being a demonic killer. In fact, he was an older gentleman with southern manners. However, it seemed that the third plumbing contractors the pet had contacted decided to stand her up. Now, a plumbing leak detection firm and Bob will be coming back on Friday afternoon to have a look-see into the problem.

Have I mentioned the pet's nervousness in regards to watching her rooms be ripped apart? If not, it's quite entertaining to observe, and I highly suggest it sometime.

As if that didn't stress her out enough, one of her brothers is moving in with her as well. He flies in tonight. He will only be staying the summer, and did we mention that he hates animals? He has ailurophobia and cynophobia. In other words, he's scared of cats and dogs. He's already threatened to "accidentally" throw open the front door to free us.

I like this guy already. I see many fun times in my future.

Oh well, Ares. It was nice knowin' you.

ZEUS

The meaning of "free" is _________.

2010-05-24T07:31:00.007-05:00

Things have been quiet on this homefront. The weekend was uneventful, and for that, we were all glad. The guest bedroom wall has dried (finally), and the carpet doesn't seem so mushy. As for the guest bathroom, well, that's another story.

The pet had Roto-Rooter come out to provide a free estimate, wanting a second opinion on the matter at paw. Apparently, the word 'free' in some circles means "ten minutes of doing everything your pet already tried". The pet was not too happy so she ended up calling a third plumber.

They never got back with her to schedule an appointment.

We've just finished rewatching Twin Peaks so we were more than a bit concerned when the insurance adjuster called us yesterday afternoon and introduced himself as Bob. If Bob the adjuster ends up being anything like Bob the demonic killer, I think things will take a turn for the highly interesting. One can only hope.

Looking forward to meeting Bob,

ZEUS

I hate that dog!

2010-05-19T18:22:00.004-05:00

So even with everything going wacky around the house, Ares managed to pay a visit to Dr. Rodriguez for his annual exam. I'm beyond pissed to report that she proclaimed him...

PERFECT!!!

What the hell?! All he does is make his token 'Black Lip the Pirate' face, and she's all over him like mud on a pig. I do investigative reporting. I've traveled the world. I've even corrupted minors. What does it take to impress this woman?!

You know what? I don't even care anymore. If she can't accept me as I am - swaying Buddha belly in between my legs and all - then I don't give a flying flick of my tail what she thinks.

Well, until I see her in two weeks for my exam. Ooo, that bitch!

ZEUS

Suggestions anyone?

2010-05-18T21:42:00.002-05:00

In light of our new predicament with the Backyard Tree, I'm accepting suggestions on how to raise money. Feel free to be as creative as possible. I will not tolerate this foliage freeloader frisking from furrowed pipes.

I'd offer a prize for the most creative suggestion, but you'll only end up with my undying gratitude. Hopefully, that counts for something.

Hoping not to be entangled by roots in my sleep,

ZEUS

A new enemy, closer to home

2010-05-16T09:37:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday, the human pet learned some very bad news. She had plumbers come over to take care of both bathrooms, and in the process, they discovered that the beautiful tree in the backyard has been thieving water out of tiny holes in our main pipe. The tree has been so thirsty that it has created an air pocket which is stopping the hallway toilet from flushing.

Should we be so daring as to flush it now, it might erupt like Mount Vesuvius. Unfortunately, in this analogy, we would be Pompeii.

The cost to fix the toilet and the pipe is tremendous. For this reason alone, I have decided to add the Backyard Tree to the very tippy-top of my Litter List. It's not like the human pet doesn't have enough going on in her life! All she does is work, work, work, but did the Backyard Tree ever think about that before it went stuffing its greedy little roots into our main pipe? Clearly, the Backyard Tree didn't care about the pet's feelings. All it cared about was itself!

Selfish, thieving, overgrown sapling!!!

ZEUS

What's a little pee between friends?

2010-05-14T06:00:00.003-05:00

I don't know what the pet's problem is.

Honestly.

She should understand that I have standards.

The pet decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to try the new World's Best Cat Litter. You know, the one made from corn? She thought it would help us become more 'green', but all it did was make me more constipated.

It beeping sucks!

I wasn't about to walk on shredded corn husks and have kernels of recycled golden nuggets in between my toes. I'm sorry, but I didn't sign up to poo in a compost heap! And this whole idea of it being safe for me to clean my paws after I do my business is pure bullshit - though, to be fair, bulls probably have higher standards than pooing in used cornbits.

So what did I do?

I peed all over the dining room, the living room, and for shiggles, I went for the hallway too.

The human pet then had to clean everything when she came home.

Let that be a lesson to her for even thinking of being environmentally conscious!

Give me my sand, baking soda, and odor crystals! Give them to me NOW!

ZEUS

Results for WOW! Winter 2010 Contest

2010-05-12T17:35:00.002-05:00

The results are in! The human pet did not place in WOW! Women on Writing's Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Contest, but she did finish as a runner-up. (And since the runner-ups are listed in no particular order, we'll prefer to tell you she finished fourth!) Three hundred entries were submitted so we're very proud of her top ten accomplishment. Not too shabby for her first attempt at putting her writing out there!

Visit WOW! Women on Writing Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Winners to read the top three entries, or you can click here to read the human pet's entry. Leave your feedback below, and I'll be sure to tell her what you think!

ZEUS

Look into my eyes...

2010-05-09T18:13:00.000-05:00

Umm, happy birthday, Isis?

2010-05-04T18:28:00.004-05:00

All I wanted for my birthday was to be left alone, but instead, shining bright lights were thrown in my face as the Catstapo were coming to seize me.

I tried to run away, but everywhere I went, the lights followed. I then suspected it was Xenu, coming to take me away to another planet of inhospitable nature.

Then I heard my Momma's voice saying, "Pose for the camera! It's your birthday!" At that point, I almost wished it had been Xenu.

Sigh... Another year, and still, no one learns. Just leave me alone!

Opportunities to Volunteer for Gulf Coast Wildlife Rescue Efforts

2010-05-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

There are many organizations seeking volunteers to help with wildlife rescue efforts in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida. To find out if there are organizations in your area that you could assist, please read this article at CNN.com. For those living anywhere along the Gulf Coast, check out Mobile Baykeeper, an environmental organization accepting volunteers all along the coast.

ZEUS

Buy Dawn to Help Wildlife in the Gulf Coast

2010-04-30T16:21:00.005-05:00

As most people in America know, Dawn has been assisting in wildlife rescue efforts for many years. Today, the first oily bird has been rescued as part of the clean-up efforts concerning the BP oil spill. The wildlife rescuers were using Dawn to help the Northern Gannet.

As I sat here, wondering what I could do to help with such an overwhelming crisis, the answer that came to me was simple. We can show our support for the wildlife rescue efforts by purchasing Dawn products in the next few months. One dollar from your purchase goes directly to saving wildlife, including the Gulf of Mexico. The oil spill is threatening precious Louisiana wildlife habitats. If we all purchased Dawn products, though, imagine the possibilities of that powerful donation.

Should you choose to purchase Dawn, you can activate your donation by clicking here. Bookmark it, and pass it on to others!

ZEUS

Digital Affairs

2010-04-29T08:26:00.005-05:00

I know this may come as a shock to some viewers, but I have gotten several marriage proposals throughout the years. What can I say? The femme felines adore me.

Nonetheless, I have always recognized the limitations of my predicament. Rather than give false hope to a lady, I'd rather sit on my butt, flip my hind paws behind my head, and give myself a good cleaning. Honestly, I've always thought that was rather altruistic of me.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I stumbled onto this article about 27 year-old Sal 9000 (the only name he would give interviewers) who married a video game character named Nene on his Nintendo DS.

Apparently, anything is possible these days including interdigital relationships.

This, however, has given me hope for the human pet. Seeing as she's not married, I plan on hooking her up with Jin Kazama, her go-to character on Tekken. The only problem is that we live in Texas, and I doubt that'll go over well.

Zeus

Hello. My name is Zeus, and I have Foreign Accent Syndrome.

2010-04-21T20:54:00.006-05:00

For years, I used to wonder why I had such an affinity for speaking the human language. Many of my fellow blogging felines prefer to use dialects of Cat-o-nese, but for the life of me, I could never quite figure out what my problem was.

That is until I came across this article. Poor Sarah Colwill, a 35 year-old British woman, had herself a whopping migraine, and ouila! She now speaks with a Chinese accent. She has what experts call Foreign Accent Syndrome.

Getting back to me (since it is all about me), this only leads me to believe that I am the poor, innocent victim of severe brain trauma. I too must suffer from FAS, and seeing as though I do not remember ever experiencing it, I must have been a kitten when it occurred. And further still, since I know I take care of myself tremendously well, it must have been my...

HUMAN PET

...who did this to me.

Did she drop me on my head when I was a wee kitten?

Did she bump my head when I was getting one of those heinous baths?

Did she roll over on top of me and snuff the air from my lungs?

So many unanswered questions! Curse you, woman!

Too bad my accent is so generic. If only I had a really great accent afflicting me like French or German or even Spanish. Quick - someone smack me upside my head so I can speak all sexified like Antonio Banderas!

ZEUS

Write on, woman!

2010-04-19T17:58:00.002-05:00

Even though the human pet hasn't let me come on to write anything new of my own in awhile, that hasn't stopped her from continuing on with her own writing. At the beginning of the year, the pet believed that it might be a good idea to see if she could make some extra cash by participating in some writing contests. In February, she had entered Women on Writing's 2010 Winter Contest, and truth be told, she hadn't expected anything to come out of her efforts.

Well, lo and behold, we have a published author on our paws!

The human pet has made it into THE TOP TEN out of 300 entries!!!

She will be featured on WoW's online magazine, interviewed by The Muffin, and receive some very nice prizes. She will probably find out in the next two weeks whether or not she has made it into the proverbial Winner's Circle. (Claws crossed that she does because money is money! You know what I mean?!)

Sure, she may have cockblocked me from the computer for the past few months, but you know what? I honestly don't mind too much at the moment.

I might change my mind tomorrow, but then again, I can do that. I'm a cat.

ZEUS

I need a plan of attack

2010-04-11T10:42:00.003-05:00

Has it really been over a month since I found time to sneak onto the computer to post anything?

How sad is that?

Of course, the human pet has time to farm her digital farm and shoot people on behalf of her mafia on Facebook. Far be it for me to stop her from planting her pixeled tulips or collecting weapons depot items. Am I really asking for too much to have a set day to do my thing?

Any suggestions on how to win her over would be appreciated.

Teach ME!

2010-03-04T07:34:00.003-06:00

I am beginning to think the human pet just enjoys being away from me.

She is never home!

If she's not out teaching her students during the day, she's teaching free ASL classes at night to parents. If she's not teaching those classes, she's tutoring at Huntington Learning Center. If she's not tutoring, she's going downtown to Rice University so she can be taught by others how to become a principal.

Enough with the teaching and the learning and the studying!

I want some teaching regarding cuddling, dammit!

ZEUS

Ares' birthday party

2010-02-27T09:03:00.004-06:00

Last evening, the human pet managed to throw a little shindig for Ares. We had a really great time watching Ares enjoy his dinner of Cesar's Filet Mignon and Frozen Paws peanut butter ice cream. He also got some new toys and of course, some more treats for his ravenous appetite.

Though we're still working on uploading all of our previous programming, we did manage to get one photo of Ares in his new duds on the human pet's cell phone. I feel bad for the poor boy. No one should be subjected to this kind of humiliation:

Wait a minute. Is it me, or is Ares trying to look smarter than me? Pfft. As if.

ZEUS

Ok, so it was February 24, and I'm a little late...

2010-02-25T07:16:00.003-06:00

How horrible a brother am I that I did not even make it to the computer yesterday to tell the world that my baby brother, Ares, has turned ONE!

Happy Birthday Ares!

Even if you snort, sneeze, and fart, I still love you. You overwhelm me with your cuteness.

Love (somewhat always),

Zeus

Mutts Rule

2010-02-17T08:16:00.001-06:00

A PETA protestor holds a sign reading "Mutts Rule" during the 134th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show at Madison Square Garden in New York, February 16, 2010.

(AFP/Timothy A. Clary, Retrieved from Yahoo! News)

Update on Virus

2010-02-05T08:15:00.002-06:00

Well, friends, it looks like we might be struggling to make entertaining content for awhile.

The human pet needs a new operating system on her computer, and without it, she can't do anything. Sure, the computer is up and running, but there's nothing connecting her to the great big world of the Internet. I'm having to compromise my morals and sneak into neighbors' homes to use their computers while they're at work.

Believe me, it's no fun.

Needless to say, I'll try to post when I can, but it seems like we might be reduced to crafting a PayPal button and seeking donations. I don't really want my pet to panhandle so we'll see what happens.

Goal-setting

2010-02-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Originally posted on January 19, 2007

Behold! My entry for The Write-Away Contest held at Scribbit! It'll take your breath away...but you won't die. I promise.

I have set three goals for myself.

I hear you laughing and snickering, whispering under your breath, "You've got to be kidding me." Is it so hard to fathom that we cats also have things we would like to accomplish in this life?

I didn't laugh when I was informed of a human desiring to eat the most cockroaches in one sitting. I didn't raise an eyebrow when I discovered someone wanted to have the record for most modelling balloon sculptures in one hour. Hell, I didn't even so much as gag when I stumbled upon a woman who achieved the feat of being the most pierced person in the world.

So with all of the chicanery you humans claim as goals, I think you could suspend your disbelief for just one moment when it comes to my goal-setting.

Goal #1: Free my four-legged friends from supposed "pet" clothing.

Let's get right to the heart of the matter. I'm a cat. I was born with fur. I don't remember having committed the first sin in the Garden of Eden and thus realizing that I needed to be clothed due to my abrupt awakening of apple goodness. And even if I had, I'm betting that God, in His infinite wisdom, would have looked upon me and said, "Forget the not-so-inconspicuous leaf of private places. It doesn't suit you."

Don't throw your baggage on us, homo sapiens.

You did that one all on your own so carry that Samsonite sin suitcase with pride.

Goal #2: Censor animal pornography on cable television.

There's something wrong with this world when I can flip through the 900 channels on my television and come across such disturbing images as elephants getting it on rough and wild in the African savannah, dolphins chasing after one another to initiate foreplay, or even, watch my canine friends attempt to make a gazillion puppies. Is this really necessary? We of the animal kingdom should have known there was a problem when the infamous lyrics penned by The Bloodhound Gang stated "Let's do it like they do on The Discovery Channel."

Discovery Channel and all of your affiliates: I'm coming for you with my MA rating and parental warnings in tow.

Goal #3: Have legislation passed to prohibit the sale and distribution of catnip.

In April, 2006, I reported on the growing epidemic of catnip junkies among the feline race. In recent months, the problem has only gotten worse. Rather than "just saying no", kittens and young felines are harnessing this gateway drug at an alarming rate. Young kittens stand on the corner, turning tricks (Just look at the poor, addicted kitten on that dog!) for money, just so they can afford their nip habit. Others lie, cheat, and steal for a mere ounce of the green plant. How much more can our youth slide before we take to action?

As someone who has a family member who is hopelessly addicted, I know all too well the destructive powers this drug has on a feline. Even though A&E's Intervention refused my letters and calls for help, stating that "catnip is perfectly legal", this only serves as proof for how mainstream and commonplace this horrible substance is. It is time for our government to stand up and take notice of this problem and to be held accountable for legally supplying catnip in an effort to suppress our feline rights.

Yes, these are my three main goals.

Though they are lofty, they are not unattainable.

For where there is a will, there is a way, and though I am not named Will, a way I shall find.